Only you

“I’ve seen rock bottom
and i’ve smashed my fists against it…”

^ probably the best way to explain my absence since like….July. WHAT!
(Apologies for the long break.)
So – let’s start way back when I hit rock bottom. There came a day, just like any other, when I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t see anything bright in my future. I was lonely, unhealthy, and surrounding myself with people that I knew were bad for me.
Rock bottom. For everyone it’s different, but I remember feeling utterly lost and hating myself more than ever before.
So for a few weeks I wore that. I hated everyone, but mostly myself.
And then one day….I woke up. I stopped blaming everyone else for how I was feeling. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought – this is it. You’re all you have. So you’d better start getting along.

Cliche, right? I know. It helped though. I cleaned myself up. I lifted my chin, opened my eyes, and made a plan: surround myself with positive people. Be confident, and believe that you deserve to be happy.
And now, 8 months later, I’m happier than I have ever been.

“Who can raise you from the fall and save you?
Only you.
Who can take the pain away and change you?
Only you.”

I think of Killswitch Engage as my gateway band – the first time I heard them (thanks Alan!) it was like, “ohhh, so this is what i’ve been waiting for”. And I guess this song spoke to me so much because that’s the way I felt after meeting an amazing new person.
“Strength of the mind” is from their new album, “Incanate”. I’ve really enjoyed their most recent albums, they seem alot fiercer. Don’t get me wrong, Howard is an amazing vocalist, and we all love a sing-a-long / mosh to ‘End of Heartache’, but Jesse is my guy. He’s real. He embraces his struggles, and makes me feel like he understands.

“Gather all your pain and suffering
Turn them into strength and weaponry
To overcome the enemy that’s in you”

Never be afraid to reach out and ask for help, there is always someone who wants to hear your story. Just don’t rely on others for your happiness. It starts with you. You are strong, and loved, and incredible. Love yourself, and I promise you will be okay.

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi xx

 

 

 

Gracefully Cursed….

“An ocean of anger
Flowing through me
Blood-stained and broken
From what I failed to see…”

Hi friends. Apologies for the long time between posts. I don’t have an excuse, except to say I have been lacking any motivation recently. Winter makes it that little bit harder to keep your head up, but today the sun is shining and I’m doing my best.

In honour of the Bluesfest announcement, today’s post is all about City and Colour and Dallas Green. I was talking to a fellow C&C fan recently, and we agreed that you have to be in the right mood to listen to Dallas’ songs. Many of them are truly beautiful love songs. Many of them are fun, upbeat, folksy sing-a-longs. And many of them are so heartbreaking and dark and personal that I can barely listen.
Today, feeling utterly weary and lonely (I know, I know, I’ll get to the positive part soon), I have “The Hurry and the Harm” on repeat. ‘Take Care’ is a song that reminds me of a very special person. A person that will always have a place in my heart, even though it is unrequited. ‘Harder Than Stone’ sounds beautiful, but is also painfully depressing.
The song I wanted to share, however, is “Thirst”…

“In the midst of a storm searching for shelter
I came upon one single feather
A half-hearted wish for something better
Gracefully cursed
I thirst”

To me, this song is about being left behind. Being lied to, and manipulated, and falling for empty words. And this happens more often than not. I can blame other people, or situations, or fate, but in the end you have to take control of your own happiness. There is no point searching for it in the places (and people) you know are wrong. I make mistakes, and I learn from them. I laugh, and fight, and love. I am who I am, and that is not for everyone.
So this song actually motivates me to stop waiting for something, or someone, to come along and rescue me. It’s time to stop making ‘half-hearted’ wishes for something better. No person, or place, can make me happy, unless I am ready.
So – i’m ready. Let’s take control of this thing called life, and make it everything it can possibly be.

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x

in my skin there is sunlight

“even at my best /
i’m still feeling like a mess”

Ok, so I know I use the word “obsessed” a lot, and I fall in love with bands easily….but “This Wild Life” have taken that to a whole new level. I have literally played their album “Clouded” every morning and evening for the past 9 days. I sent it to my best friend for xmas (Mich, I hope you don’t read this until it arrives!), and I make my nephew listen to it when we play.
This Californian duo were introduced to me by a friend of theirs, and at first I was like – “Dallas Green is all the acoustic I need / can handle”.
Thank the universe that I finally gave them a chance, because this album is everything my heart needed. In particular, “No More Bad Days” and today’s feature – “Bound To Break”;

“i’ve lived with a temper /
that never gets better /
it’s ripping me to shreds /
it’s still burning in my head
i’m not proud of who I’ve been /
i know i’ve gotta grow”

I have a temper. I am passionate, and loud, and I say stupid shit. I embarrass myself and usually after a night of drinking wake up with that deep sense of having done something wrong, but not quite sure what.

And yet – I try to make everyone else happy. I pick my battles. I attempt to be diplomatic and avoid confrontation. FOR WHAT? I try to project the best possible version of myself, and I still get left behind. And it makes me so fucking ANGRY that I didn’t get to say what I really felt. That people get away with treating me like shit, because I was too apprehensive to speak up. Or I was too sensitive to throw insults back in their face when they are cruel.

“forget it you can’t have it /
i’ll never be the one /
i am the rising sun…”

No more. If I have to pretend, or hold back, with someone that I’m with, then that person doesn’t deserve me. Yes, I know that sounds like a terrible chick flick cliché (complete with a montage of my girlfriends taking me dress shopping and having shots at a bar).
I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and self loathing, but I feel like that is never going to change. So I accept it. Surround myself with people that love me. Make a choice to be as happy as possible. And drag myself back into the world.

“i’m bound to break if I stay the same /
with all my weight I will force a change /
in my skin is the sunlight /
and in my heart there is still a fight”

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x

“

who’s gonna take you home tonight?

2 years ago I’d never heard the name Tom Gabel. Never heard of a punk band from Florida called “Against Me!”.
2 years ago I hadn’t discovered my inspiration. My idol.
I’m talking about Laura Jane Grace. Formally known as Tom Gabel. Lead singer and Queen of all things fierce.
There was an article in Rolling Stone Magazine about a singer coming out as transgender. By the end of that article I had downloaded the entire Against Me back catalogue and was binge listening to every album.
Each one sounds different but is essentially the same; a lot of fun, anger, hurt, and some damn catchy songs.
I was debating between 2 songs to share today – ‘Thrash Unreal’, and ‘True Trans Soul Rebel’. Ultimately I decided on the latter, purely because Thrash Unreal so articulately explains my darkest fears that it scares me to share that.
So – let’s focus on their newest album, and my favourite – Transgender Dysphoria Blues. The first album to be released under Laura Jane. Each song is a study in confusion and conflict.
My favourite: True Trans Soul Rebel

To me, this song is about being so confused about who you are, and where you should be. Am I making the right decisions? Is it okay to be the way I am?

“All dressed up and nowhere to go/
Walking the streets all alone/
Another night to wish you could forget/
Making yourself up as you go along”

Recently I was told that the pressure of all my friends getting married and having babies is affecting how I act in a relationship. This made me so angry. Not only because the guy that said it was the last person to be judging ones actions in a relationship, but because it isn’t even true. He thought, along with many others I’m sure, that in order for me to be happy, I need to have the house, the husband, the babies. What society says a woman should do.

“You should’ve been a mother/
You should’ve been a wife/
You should’ve been gone from here years ago/
You should be living a different life.”

I know Laura is singing about her transition, and I can’t even imagine what she went through. Still, I feel so many of us can relate to these lyrics in our own lives with whatever pressures we’re dealing with. And it’s sad. And hurtful. And confusing.
But if Laura Jane has the courage and confidence to be the person she truly is, then so can we all, whoever that might be. I might just stay single and travel the world getting fucked up in a different city every weekend. And despite what anyone else says – I’ll be happy.
True Trans Soul Rebel baby x

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x

goodbye to you

Tomorrow night I get to see one of my heroes (for about the 4th time) – Bert McCracken of The Used. This man is the inspiration for my children’s stories, and one of the main reasons why I don’t care what other people think.
Trying to pick a song to share on here was kinda tough – so many of their songs mean so much to me. I decided on ‘Bulimic’ because it is the perfect song for how I’ve been feeling this weekend (and by weekend I mean a while now). I think the lyrics are specifically about Bert’s drug addiction – “a line’s a dime a million times / and I’m about to see all of them”.
To me, this song has always been about negativity, and getting rid of it.

“Why the f*ck am I still down
I’m hoarding all that’s mine
Each time I let just one slip by
I’m wasting what is mine”

To you this could mean getting rid of a negative person. A negative influence, a negative job. Anything that creates a blackness in your life.
For me, it’s the same negative thought; “you don’t deserve to be happy”. Each time I let a bad thought in, and obsess over it, I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting the chance to be happy. And I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time 🙂
So f*ck you negative thoughts! Most of the time I can push them away, but sometimes you need a little help from your friends;

This song is from their self titled debut album, also my favourite. Their sound has changed quite a lot from this, but each album shows a new side to the band. I feel like I’ve grown with them, and we’ve all gotten to a place of peace after dealing with a lot of destruction and pain. Sometimes though, you still have to purge the nasty from your mind.

“I’m about to see a million things
I thought I’d never see before and I
I’m about to do all of the things
I’ve dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all…
Goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you’re taking up my time”

“Make a choice…shine on”
Fi x

learn to live

I know, I know – ‘Architects’ don’t particularly like their album ‘The Here and Now’, or so I’ve read. It’s not my all time favourite. ‘Hollow Crown’ kills. The new album is unbelievable (I’ll get to that another time – ‘There’s parts of me that are lost forever / at least we’re all lost together” – I mean, come on. LOVE)
I get why hardcore fans wouldn’t like it – it’s completely unlike their other releases. It’s softer and I can actually sing along to most of it ha ha
But since when have I cared what other people think – I LOVE so many songs on this album (‘The Blues’ – sigh)…
Today I’m all about “Learn To Live” –

* As I type this, I received a message from a stranger, letting me know that some of the songs I have shared have helped him through tough times. I wish the writers of the songs could know how much they help us all 🙂 *

It’s hard to stay positive all the time. Impossible maybe. And that’s okay. Who wants to be one thing. You gotta mix it up! Be angry. Be scared. Be confused, and lost, and sad. For a little while.

“Pick yourself back up and learn to live,
Stop caring, stop thinking.
Pick yourself back up and learn to live,
The grass is greener on the other side, so don’t give up on life.
Never back down, do this for yourself,
You don’t need anyone to get you where you deserve.”

For me, this basically means, don’t rely on anyone else to make you happy. Things don’t always work out the way we planned. I know that very well. Sometimes, that person you built your dreams around turns out to be nothing. A complete non-entity in your life. And it fucking sucks.
So you give yourself time to feel like shit, and then you move on.

“Every time they pushed us aside
We got back up again, yeah we made it through the rain
Just to live another day without them.

We are the ones, you left out in the rain
Come back tomorrow and we’ll be here again”

I think these lyrics are quite broad. I focus on a person, but I’m sure it means different things to different people. In the end, we’re all the same. You’re not alone.

“Make a choice…shine on”
Fi x

take another step

This weekend was so much fun. Drinks and laughs and the Kings won Game 2 in double overtime….and yet, my heart is heavy. People I care deeply about are battling depression. And it is a battle – for them, it will probably always be a part of their lives. Therefore, it’s part of my life.
Sometimes I don’t have the words to help them. Sometimes I’m so damn scared they’ll leave. I wish they knew there are people out there that understand. People like The Amity Affliction boys;

“I’ve been searching for an exit
But I’m lost inside my head
Where I spend every waking moment
Wishing I was dead
For a few minutes get me away from here
For a few minutes wipe away my tears
For I am lost right now as the ocean deep
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink”

“Pittsburgh” is the first single from their new album “Let The Ocean Take Me”. There’s a special place in my heart for these boys from Queensland. I met a very special person at one of their gigs. A friend of mine that took his own life. I so wish he could have heard more of their music when he was unwell, I truly think it would have helped him. Let’s hope it helps someone else 🙂
Their earlier stuff is a lot heavier, but I think the new sound will speak to more people. I love the use of the choir in this song too.

“I’ll take another step for you…
I’ll take another breath for you…”

I don’t care how selfish it sounds. I want you around. Stay strong.

“Make a choice, shine on…
Fi x

If you never break….

This post is dedicated to my best friend. Today she starts again.

‘Real Friends’ are shamelessly pop punk. They are young, and fun, and honest (you’ll notice honesty is an important factor for me – we’ll get to that story one day).
I saw them at Soundwave this year, and they were just having so much fun 🙂

Check out “Late Nights In My Car”

http://youtu.be/boDPxA_7rr8

“I’m not where I should be
I’m not what I could be
But I’m not who I was”

My girl has had a crummy couple of months. She hasn’t been herself. Today that changes.
It’s so cliché, but time really does heal. This time 2 years ago I was a zombie. This time a year ago I was treating myself horribly. Right now I’m not perfect, but I am not the person I was. Time, friends, and music.

“If you never break.
You’ll never know how
to put yourself back together”

Some people suck. So we kick them out of our lives and make room for something ( or someone 🙂 ) amazing.
I am ready to be happy. I am ready to be brilliant. Let’s go have an adventure 🙂

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x

sunday mornings

Brand New – “The Boy Who Blocked his Own Shot” – a song of regret, of heartbreak, and, I think – a song of hope 🙂
I learned of these guys through the boy I was crushing on at the time (he liked them, so I thought I should research them haha).
Who knew that their lyrics would speak to me so much. They are raw, and angry, and beautiful. I think this song is about losing the one you love. Whether that be through their actions or your own. And just being so hurt and wanting to move on, but you can’t:

“And it hurts to hold on, but it’s missed when it’s gone….
I’m glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget.”

I think we’ve all been there. It’s unhealthy to hold on to someone that you can’t have, but I think when you know what it could be, it’s worth it to keep trying. Or you could just end up miserable and bitter and living with 12 cats. Who knows! That’s the adventure 😉
Sunday mornings are for daydreams.
Not all of their songs are angry or about heartache, but this one spoke to me today. Besides, it’s kinda beautiful;

“You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins
Holding on to yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins.”

x

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x

 

Restless ramblings

Well here I am. First blog. It’s a Saturday afternoon. It’s raining. I’m half way through a horribly cheap bottle of red, and I’m feeling restless. Do I write in my diary? Do I go for a drive? Do I text my ex and start a conversation that will surely end in a fight? Nope – I grab my ipod and get lost in my favourite way.
I guess I started this blog to share my love of music, and books, and all things loud and geeky. If any of this can help any of you the way it has helped me, my work here is done 🙂

My current obsession is “A Day To Remember” from the States. Their songs are so damn catchy, and their lyrics grabbed me and screamed, “Hey – people suck sometimes, but you’ll be okay”.
These guys will be popping up on here quite often. (That’s the thing with an obsession – you fixate on one thing for a long time. Explains a lot about my dating life too! haha)

Today’s song is “The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle” – have a listen…

Not only is the video hilarious, but it sums up exactly how I’m feeling –

“You’ve got nothing better to do
I know why you can’t see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you’re just like everyone else”

I’ve been pissed off lately. People let you down, and you realise they weren’t what you thought. It happens. So I talk to my besties, I talk to my mum, and I listen to this song and think, “Fuck it. People suck. Deal with it.”
And I am dealing. I look at what I have, and I am so grateful. But sometimes you just have to scream.

“Make a choice, shine on…”
Fi x